As her youngest child was about to enter middle school, Donna Oas thought she was prepared. After all, she had been down this path before with her two sons.
But when her youngest, April, made the transition, Oas, of the Dallas suburb of Grapevine, Texas, learned a few lessons of her own.
“After the first day of school, I asked her, ‘How was school, do you like your classes and teachers?'” Oas says. “‘Oh, it was OK,’ she says.”
So Oas continued trying to extract some more information. “What was the best part?”
“The boys, Mom, they are so cute,” April tells her mother.
And so it begins in another household. Suddenly the gap-toothed, freckle-faced members of the opposite sex who were contemptible on the playground only a few months ago are no longer disgusting dweebs. Usually girls start checking out boys earlier, but eventually they catch up to each other, experts advise.
Brace yourselves, parents: Soon they’ll be dating. It can be a scary prospect, but with the right blend of knowledge, communication and patience, you can help navigate the complicated world of teen social lives.
Courtship has changed a lot in the last 20 to 30 years, experts say. Noticeably absent are traditions like the Saturday night movie-and-dinner-date that generations of teenage boys and girls stumbled through in the process of getting to know each other.
Gone too is the tradition of having an escort to go to a homecoming dance, holiday party or even the prom. Now it’s acceptable, and for many preferable, to go with a friend or a group of friends.
Take Michelle Muller and Will Dowdy. After they met through a friend at church, they knew they wanted to get to know each other better. So they arranged a group date.
Teens claim it’s a good way for them to get acquainted because the group provides a safety net.
“If a guy came up to anyone I know and says, ‘Do you want to go out,’ the girl would think, ‘Oh my gosh, what am I going to say or do alone with him?'” says Michelle, a high school junior who has been steadily seeing Will, also a high school junior, for six months. “It would just make her too nervous.
“Going out in a group is much better. Everyone is much more relaxed and has a better time.”
Even now, friends are still at the center of Will’s and Michelle’s universe. They squeeze in at least a few minutes every day, but at least one weekend evening is reserved for group activities.
“We like being alone and going out with a group,” says Will. “It’s more fun and never gets boring.”
Many parents say they are more comfortable with their children going out in large groups rather than one-on-one dating. If they are having fun with their friends, then they don’t have the desire to couple up and experiment with sex, some parents suggest.
“I think what is happening now is much healthier than the one-one dating that we did as teenagers,” says Julie Crowley, a Dallas mother of two boys, ages 15 and 18. “There is a lot less pressure on the kids all the way around and they are free to have a good time.”
“Go with …” It’s a term adolescents, especially preteens, use a lot when they first test the waters of boy-girl relationships.
“They’ll say, ‘So and so is going with so and so,'” says Debra Haffner, president of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the U.S. and author of the new book, From Diapers to Dating, A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children (Newmarket Press $23.95). “Or they’ll say, ‘So and so asked me to go with him.’ It means going steady.”
This is a typical pattern for youngsters, starting around age 12, experts say.
“The first evidence will probably be identifying themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend,” says Dawn Hallman, executive director of the Dallas Association for Parent Education. “What that usually means is that might pass each other notes at school and talk on the phone.”
On the face of it, the behavior seems cute as adolescents stumble through their first encounters with courtship. But Haffner cautions parents about being too complacent and assuming this is just another passing stage in the development process.
“The concept of going together suggests an exclusive commitment made between a boy and a girl,” Haffner says. “The problem is that this commitment can carry an expectation of sexual behavior.”
Typically, these relationships are usually short-lived and seldom last more than a few weeks. Adolescents, fickle by nature, quickly tire of each other, particularly when they don’t know each other very well.
“These relationships are usually formed on the basis of physical attraction,” Haffner. “Once they get to know each other, they usually realize they don’t have much in common or they just don’t like the person they are going with.”
Everyone wants to make a love connection, says Michael Wood, vice president for Teenage Research Unlimited, a Chicago research and marketing firm that studies teen trends.
“They spend a great deal of time thinking about relationships and getting into relationships,” he says. “Their media, from TV’s Dawson’s Creek to features in Seventeen magazine about landing a crush, reflect their interest in being involved in relationships.”
By high school, dating relationships are more mature, last longer and often involve genuine love, experts say. Some parents define this as real dating and say it’s important for adolescents to experience.
“Dating is an opportunity to learn about relationships and prepare for a successful marriage,” says Margaret Bryan, a mother and Sunday school teacher at First United Methodist Church of Coppell, Texas. “Dating allows teenagers to learn whether the person they are seeing is kind and considerate and would be the kind of person who would make a good spouse.”
Parenting experts say denying teens the opportunity to date and experience romantic love will surely prompt rebellion.
“Parents are almost never ready for their children to start real dating,” says Hallman of the parent education association. “But if they are responsible and trustworthy in other aspects of their life, they will be with dating, too.”
